Well here we are “live” from the asphalt carpet known as the parking lot of Florian Hall for the 2012 Rorie Awards saluting Dorchester’s most idiotic criminals. The sidewalks of Hallet Street are lined with hundreds of dozens of fans of the awards. Scanning the crowd I see Uncle Goldie, Paula V-M, Mary from Pat’s Pizza, Tricia G, and Leo T, to name a few. The transport wagons carrying this year’s honorees are lining up outside the doors of the hall, so let’s start with the festivities.

The “Selective Memory” award goes to:
Jan. 25, 12:08 p.m.
Officers responded to a report of a fight on Kenwood Street. On arrival the officers observed a man lying on the ground and an older gentleman standing over him holding onto a metal pipe. Upon seeing the cruiser, the suspect ran into his house, followed by Boston’s finest. The suspect was soon located and officers asked him for the long rust-colored pipe. He replied, “what pipe?” The one you used to clock that poor fella out on the sidewalk. “Oh, that’s in the bedroom.” The 53 year old man further stated, “I use it for personal protection because I’m getting older.” Damn it you’re only 53! He was asked why he needed it for protection 10 minutes earlier against the victim and he answered, “I don’t remember.” He was arrested for ABDW.

The “Surprise Between the Thighs” award goes to:
Jan. 26, 12:15 a.m.
Between the early morning hours of 12:15 and 2:15, a.m. a pair of plainclothes officers observed a rather husky young lady walking the areas of Dorchester Avenue and East and Adams streets. About 2:15, they saw the woman again, on Leonard Street where she was talking to a man in a blue van. The woman (who goes by the name of Lisa when she is working) got into the van and it took off toward Neponset Avenue with the officers following behind. The van pulled over on Coffey Street and after a couple of minutes the officers approached the vehicle and heard arguing coming from the rear. It seems as if ‘Lisa’ was really a ‘Joel’ and the John found out after deal was made. The 55-year-old customer from the South Shore and the 40-year-old, um, ah, fella were arrested for sex for a fee. A clear case of false advertising and near sightedness.

The ‘World is My Toilet’ award goes to:
Jan. 31, 6 p.m.
A 60-year-old Long Island resident reportedly entered the McDonald’s restaurant in Fields Corner and kept refilling his cup of soda. After the seventh trip inside, the manager barred him from the store. Which was too bad because he man’s bladder was about to explode. So when nature called, he answered the call and let loose a steady stream against the front window of the store in front of about 15 customers. He was arrested for indecent exposure.

And, finally, the winner of the ‘Stupidest Criminal of the Year” goes to: a woman, for the first time.
Jan. 18, 5 p.m.
An officer traveling through Fields Corner stopped a gray Acura that took an illegal left turn from Adams Street onto Dorchester Avenue. The operator was asked for her license, but she stated that she didn’t have it with her, so the officer told her to write her information down and he would check her driving status. Incredibly, the woman wrote her name and date of birth down on the back of a moving citation that she had been given a week earlier for driving without a license!

She was arrested and, thus, she is, without doubt, this year’s recipient of the Rorie Award for outstanding stupidity.