I was a big fan of the late 1960s series “Batman.” I was more into the wonderful villains than the Caped Crusader. The Joker, the Riddler, and Mr. Freeze were three of my favorites. I’ve always thought that some of the clods I’ve written about the over the years deserved a unique moniker that describes them perfectly. So this week I will introduce you to some of Dorchester’s very own brand of arch villain.

May 8, 4:29 p.m.

Of course you all know who ‘Batman’ is, well let’s meet a ‘Crackman.’ Rush hour during a Friday afternoon when a call came in for a robbery of a convenience store in the St. Mark’s area. The victim stated that the suspect entered his store holding a nickel in his hand and asking to purchase “a nickel piece of candy.” A diabolical plan indeed. The shop owner told Crackman that he didn’t sell candy for five cents but he could have a piece for free anyway. That is when Crackman jumped over the counter and demanded money. He picked up the entire cash register and fled up Welles Avenue with it. The officers were given a description of a man in his 40s, balding, sweating profusely and carrying a cash register. Not to sound like I’m profiling, but anybody carrying a cash register was gonna get stopped that afternoon. While searching for the suspect, Officers Doran and Principe heard some banging in the backyard of Samoset Street and spotted Crackman trying to break open the register. After a brief foot chase and briefer struggle the suspect was arrested. Upon placing him into the cruiser, the suspect stated, “I did it, I’m sick on crack” and thus ‘Crackman!’ was born. Same crack time, same crack channel.

May 11, 4:04 p.m.

Ladies and gentlemen … The Urinator.

A gentleman was walking along Westglow Street with his two-year-old son when he noticed a 26-year-old West Roxbury woman inside the fence of a home beside his own. The woman was squatting with her pants down around her ankles urinating in the driveway. Honestly. The man confronted the woman about her choice of bathroom etiquette and she began yelling back that when nature calls she answers the call – no matter where or when. Then her boyfriend came out of a nearby home and tried to assault the victim armed with a set of keys. Both the woman and her boyfriend were arrested. The boyfriend for ABDW and The Urinator for open and gross lewdness. I was gonna call her The Mad Bladder, but she’s The Urinator and that’s that.

May 10, 11:45 a.m.

Time to meet a pair of losers. Let’s call them Ms. Anita Braincell and Ms. Ida Mohron. Ms. Braincell was sitting on her front porch on Coleman Street when her next door neighbor Ms. Mohron came out on her porch and for no known reason at all threw a bag, with an unknown object in it, at her. Ms. Braincell (40-years of age) threw the bag back at Ms. Mohron (63-years of age) and the fight was on.
The argument ended when Ms. Braincell pulled a kitchen knife from her purse (all women carry these, don’t they?) and Ms. Mohron brandished a black colored gun (turned out to be a cap gun) and started yelling “bang, bang.” Both of these amazingly immature super villains were arrested for assault by means of a dangerous weapon.

April 26, 2:30 a.m.

Introducing the one, but I’m sure not the only “Jackass.” Lt. Wayne Lanchester was traveling south when he encountered two vehicles traveling northbound on the “Ave” (Freeport toward Columbia) doing an estimated 80 miles per hour, both of them talking turns trying to pass the other. The vehicles were finally pulled at Crescent Avenue and Carson Street.

One idiot from Abington was given several citations and summoned to Dot Court for negligent operation. But not The Jackass. No, this 20-year-old Dorchester suburbanite got out of the vehicle, walked around to the passenger side, got in and made his female passenger jump over into the driver’s. Who says chivalry is dead?

Lt. Lanchester asked The Jackass for his license, but the cunning Jackass stated that he wasn’t driving so he wasn’t showing. The Jackass was kindly reminded that failure to show his license was an arrestable offense. He immediately handed over the document, which was when it was discovered that his right to operate a vehicle was suspended. Holy surcharges boys and girls! The Jackass was soon in cuffs and charged with several motor vehicle violations, as well as assaulting an officer during the booking procedure.

There are so many other deserving criminal masterminds to tell you about, such as “The Turd” who, no more than 5-feet tall, walked around his Savin Hill neighborhood robbing people by knifepoint in broad daylight including his own across-the -street neighbor!
But alas, time and page space has limited me to these four short stories. Hopefully these farcical felons, these nonsensical ninnies, these capeless, soulless, clueless characters can right their ship and see the error of their ways. Maybe an $8 an hour summer job will do the trick. Doubt it.