Faithful readers from back in the day when I started this column as an almost weekly endeavor (2006-2013) will recall that every February I would announce the infamous “Rorie Awards,” which were both a tribute to C-11’s stupidest criminals as well as a tickle to the funny bone of my partner, Dennis Rorie. It was just a way of lampooning the awards season, more specifically the Academy Awards. Then I watched this year’s Academy Awards and the ending was every bit as ridiculous as some of the “Rorie Awards” from the past.

So it got me to thinking: Let’s pen a 2017 version of some of C-11’s silliest criminals. As is the tradition of the Rories, our winners will be adorned in orange jumpsuits and silver jewelry around their wrists and ankles.

Jan. 23, 2017, 10:45 a.m.

Many times a lesser criminal case in Dorchester Court can end with the payment of a fine or “court costs.” In most of these cases once the fine is paid, the case is considered closed. Failure to pay the costs can result in an arrest warrant. Just pay the damn ticket! But a 26-year-old local brainiac decided to pay his $250 fine with two $50 bills and a single $100 bill that were counterfeit. You just can’t make this stuff up. Further court dates await this young lad. A little trivia question for you: Officers notified which federal agency that handles counterfeit money? The Secret Service.

Feb. 10, between 8 p.m. – midnight

A woman from Ashmont Street walked into C-11 to report that a mastermind had entered her vehicle through a partly opened window and fled the scene with her $5 car air freshener!

Jan. 30th, 12:04 p.m.

A man from Chase St. near Edward Everett Square was enjoying his lunch at home when he heard a sudden pounding at the front door. He answered to find a female neighbor from across the street standing there in an agitated state. She blurted out, “My husband got a parking ticket because of you” and then stabbed him in the right hand. The victim explained to the responding officers that he had recently been involved in a parking dispute with the suspect, but not to level of blood shedding. He was whisked away to a local hospital for a few staples but not before identifying his attacker, who was arrested on the spot for assault and battery by means of a dangerous weapon. Not a very-well-thought-out plan by our 53-year-old Rorie Award winner.

Feb. 21, 5:37 p.m.

Officers from the Youth Violence Strike Force were about to enter a coffee establishment on Boston Street when they observed a 56-year-old Stoneham “Fonzie” wannabe dressed in leather and carrying a large knife (blade over 6 inches) in a sheath attached to his waistband. The officers explained that possessing and/or displaying such a weapon was in violation of the law. The man replied that he didn’t realize such a law existed, but it was all right because he was the “vice president of the Devil’s Disciples.” Well, that may be true, Mr. Vice President, but you’re still in violation. The knife was confiscated and he was summoned to Dorchester Court. Somebody better tell VP Pence before he tries the same thing.

And now the Rorie Award for Stupidest Criminal of the Year:

Feb. 23, 10:45 a.m.

Plainclothes officers were on the lookout for a 24-year-old Dorchester drug dealer who from time to time set up shop near Dot Ave. and East St. They spotted their prey inside a BMW that was parked at the intersection. He quickly drove off but was pulled over a block away. Strike One: His vehicle was unregistered and uninsured. Strike Two: The Dominican Republic driver’s license that he handed over was an obvious fake right down to the forged picture, so he was placed under arrest for Violation of the Auto Laws. Strike Three: After he arrived at District 11 he was taken out of the back of the cruiser all the while imploring the officers to “fix his sock, they pulled down my sock when they searched me.”

The officers were the ones who had searched him and they knew that no one went anywhere near or inside his grungy socks. But now they could see that one of his socks was rolled so far past his ankle it barely covered his toes. So they went to the back seat of the cruiser and that’s when they discovered two medium-sized baggies filled with heroin. The suspect initially stated “that’s not mine,” then, quickly realizing the crap he had gotten himself into, he admitted to owning the poison.

Lastly, from the time he was pulled over to his arrival at the booking desk, his cell phone had 36 missed calls. That’s one busy dealer, and an incredibly inept one at that.

•••

I would like to congratulate our CSO, Sgt. John Burns, on his retirement effective at the end of this month. Always a soft-spoken gentleman, the Sarge was known for his kind demeanor as well as his slicked back hairdo. He never divulged exactly what he put in his hair, but my guess is bacon grease! All the best, my friend. May you and your bride have many more years of wedded bliss. Dorchester will miss you.