Following Trump as he awakes and gets ready

Did you ever wonder what Donald Trump goes through every morning to maintain his hairdo? I have been doing some research and believe I am the first to report the early routine of our 45th president as he begins each day.

He awakens each day to his preferred alarm – applause from a specially designed audio system in his bedroom. After sending a couple of tweets, he jumps out of bed and summons his bed, bath, and beyond staff to prepare him for the day’s activities. Following his morning bath (the first of three he takes each day), and before slipping into his specially designed robe, which bears his likeness superimposed on the presidential seal, he enters his patented tanning bed. After covering his eyes with protective goggles, he cooks for about ten minutes. Some critics say the white rings around his eyes make him look like a raccoon. Supporters think he looks more like an owl.

After the tanning, he summons the most important member of his extensive personal staff, his hair stylist, who has been with him for more than 20 years. It’s his job to put the presidential hair, what Trump describes as his crowning glory, in order. No easy task after a night of tossing, turning, tweeting, and big-league thinking. First there is the washing, then the coloring, and the setting, the entire process taking about a half hour while the president watches the morning talk shows.

One of the first decisions the president makes each day is what color to use. He has a carefully selected range from orange to blond depending upon his mood; orange when feeling liberal, and blond when he’s conservative minded. The apparatus and solutions used to keep the hair in place are classified as top secret. One disgruntled insider has leaked that Elmer’s Glue was found to be the most reliable.

Trump has vehemently denied that charge and accused the purveyors of “fake news” of promoting the story. He disclosed that a secret combination of starch, olive oil, and oatmeal works best. The hair stylist is never far from the president in the event of wind or high humidity.

To save money, Trump has suggested that the stylist carry the device with the nuclear codes, referred to as the “football.” He can slip it into the case in which he carries my hair stuff and eliminate the need for a military officer to follow me around, the president said. His national security adviser informed him that while his hair stuff is important, the nuclear codes require a higher level of security.

The hair stylist, the president said, “has been with me through marriages, bankruptcies, and countless deals. He has managed,” he added with a wink, “to make me look great through thick and thinning. Without my hair, I’d just be an average-looking handsome guy. but with it, I’m spectacular,” he exclaimed. Putin would die for my hair, he said.

Although the White House photographer is never far from Trump, he is never allowed in the presidential preserve until the morning ablutions are completed. At heart a simple man of modest tastes, the president complains that all his life he has had to project an outsized personality to meet the demands of his fans. Otherwise, he would have preferred to have a farm in a small town and have his hair cut by a local barber, one he could call Joe and who would call him D.J.

Trump said that after he completes eight years as president, he intends to retire to that small farm and raise chickens. He will personally sell eggs and vegetables at a farm stand by the side of the road. Unlike his predecessors, he does not want a presidential library. “After all, he said, “I never did much reading.”

Instead, he intends to welcome immigrants from all over the world to stay in his barn – the biggest, best, and most-luxurious barn in the whole world. One can’t leave it all behind, he said with a smile.

James W. Dolan is a retired Dorchester District Court judge who now practices law.