CSI C-11 Column: Chronicling the silly and stupid things that criminals do

Officer Mike Keaney

Been a while, so this is a column strictly about silly criminals. No sharks, no eclipses, no missing bulls, no found bulls, no dead bulls. Just criminals, silly, stupid criminals.

July 25, 8:43 p.m.

Officers McDermott and Caufield walked out of the rear of District 11 and into the back lot when they saw a sight you don’t see every day: a man running at full speed through the parking lot carrying a large red thermal pizza bag and a second man right behind him yelling “stop!” After a brief foot, chase the pizza-bag thief was stopped. The victim who was chasing the suspect stated that he was a delivery man for a Fields Corner restaurant and that when he went to his car to make a delivery he observed the suspect taking the bag with pizza out of his vehicle. But the suspect’s getaway took him unfortunately right into our back yard. The officers also found the victim’s cell phone ringing in the suspect’s pants pocket. The 31-year-old Mensa candidate from Dorchester was charged with larceny, receiving stolen property, and trespassing. He could have paid for the pizza, but he just didn’t have the dough. So bad, I know, sorry.

Aug. 27, 6:06 p.m.

Officers responded to a Peabody Square apartment building for a report of vandalism. On arrival, the officers observed a mini van in the parking lot next to the building that had a broken rear window. They also saw scattered around the van several young childrens’ toys and a cane. Acting on eyewitness accounts, the officers knocked upon the door of a fifth-floor apartment where an elderly woman claimed that the cane was hers. Seems that she was minding her four-year-old grandson whose bedroom window was broken and could not be closed entirely and was opened about three inches. Seeing his chance, the four-year-old threw several of his toys and Nana’s walking cane out the window to the pavement below and also through their neighbor’s car window. I hope they didn’t have any pets.

Aug. 23, 6:55 p.m.

The call was for a male “tagging” the bridge behind 1241 Adams St. in Lower Mills. When the officers assigned to the call approached the bridge they could see a man holding a Sharpie marker while crouching down and putting the finishing touch on his masterpiece, a two-foot-by-three-foot drawing of the Star Wars character Yoda! Startled by the officers’ presence, the poor man’s Picasso uttered “C’mon, I’m just drawing a picture of Yoda.” He then raised his hands in the air, unprovoked. The 31-year-old Lower Mills loser was arrested and charged with damage to property by graffiti.

June 1, 10:46 p.m.

A man entered a Peabody Square convenience store, pointed a firearm at the manager behind the counter, and demanded money. Yeah, a real dude, this guy is, or is he? The manager opened the register as instructed, but the robber had very little patience and as he reached toward the register to grab some money, he put his gun on the counter. The manager quickly grabbed the Kel-Tec .380 and pointed it back at the robber, who gave out a high- pitched scream that would have made Michael Jackson blush (for all I know he could have evacuated his bowels, too). The foolish felon was last seen sprinting empty-handed up Dot. Ave. toward Ashmont Street.

July 29, 9:35 a.m.

Officers saw a Chevy Cruze traveling down Geneva Ave. without an inspection sticker. After they pulled the vehicle over, the driver, a 25-year-old Braintree woman, explained that she didn’t have her license on her, but she readily gave the officers her name, date of birth, and Social Security number. One of the officers ran her info through the computer and a picture of the woman popped up. Well it looked a lot like her, but something was different, even though the woman insisted that she gave her correct information. Then the officers noticed that the woman on the computer screen had two huge tattoos on her neck and the woman behind the wheel had none. It seems that the suspect had given the officers her identical twin sister’s info and that her own license info showed that she had six warrants. She was soon in cuffs.

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Hi Kate. See, I mentioned you.